The Ugly Me.

First of all I want to say that I am very grateful for all of the compliments, words of encouragement and support that I get from so many people.  I would also like to explain something to help people better understand me.  If you have ever complimented me, I hope I have accepted it humbly and graciousely.  If I have not, it is not because I do not appreciate the amazingly kind words, it is simply because I truly do not know how to accept so much praise.  I have never really seen myself as "beautiful" or even "pretty."   Growing up, I did not receive positive attention and sometimes find it hard to believe that people see me differently than I see myself.  I know I have self esteem issues, and I am trying to work on it, but it is very difficult.  When I look in the mirror, I see the person I have always seen.  The different reflections I have seen over the years all balled into one.  I see the scrawny, undernourished and neglected little girl that never had clean clothes or brushed hair.  I see the 12 year old girl  that had to work under the table at a clothing store for 4 hours each day after school to make enough money to buy dinner each night and wash the one pair of jeans I had at the laundry mat twice a week.  I see the molested 13 year old that fled to Arizona hoping for a better chance at life.  I see the same teenager eating incesantly because for once in her life there was food to be had and fear that it would disappear.  I see the 14, 15, 16...etc year old gaining and gaining, using food as a comforter to all her insecurities, always fearing rejection and judgement, knowing food will never leave me alone or stranded.  I see the 336 lb woman I became and I see a broken person.  I see all my flaws in my reflection, all the hurt and pain.  I feel amazing when someone compliments me, and want to believe with all of my heart that they truly mean it, but then I look in the mirror and I see me.  The difference is that now, food is no longer an option when I need a constant companion.  I have lost my best friend and have to try to compensate in other ways.  I try to be giving to people with all the love in my heart,  and try to spend as much time with the people I enjoy.  When doing this I feel the void inside gets a little smaller.  This is what is in my head and my heart.  It is going to be a long path of recovery and I know I will get there.  Thank you for being there for me.  Love to all who love me!